Dog Poems & Prose,
Humorous #6
Mind Games for Dogs to Play With Humans
After your humans give you a bath, don't let them towel you dry! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself on the
sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.
Act like a convicted criminal. When your humans come home, put your ears back, with tail between your legs and chin down,
and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they
think you have caused. Note: This works best when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare
blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
Help your humans learn patience. When you go outside to 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the
spot you choose to pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the
busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo.' Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have
forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks
by.
Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something
terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get
back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)
-- Author Unknown
Test for Potential Puppy Owners
This is a test to determine if people are truly ready for a dog. They will be stressed to every limit, with little mercy shown.
If the Potential Puppy Owner passes, they will be given a license to start learning about the breed of their choice. Hereinafter the Potential Puppy Owner will be referred as
PPO.
Under no circumstances will physical force, yelling, cursing, or threatening will be used. Protective padding, or soil proof clothes of
any sort are NOT permitted.
Small wounds and scratches will be handled in a blase manner. Washing water, and a bandage will be distributed to each
PPO.
Tests will be held in a variety of environments. From crowded interiors to muddy fields, to brush. PPO must enter all environments with a happy
face. PPO will only have one set of clothes permitted.
If at any time, they are seen wiping off dog hair or saliva, they will fail.
Test PPO must control a highly stimulated 10 month old male German Shepherd
puppy. PPO must be able to calm down the dog into a down position in 2 minutes. Only a flat buckle collar and nylon lead will be issued.
PPO must stand in between a 14 month old Labrador Retriever puppy and a field. The handler of the puppy will then throw a ball directly in the path of the PPO. PPO must stand their ground and take their clobbering in good nature.
PPO must serve dinner to six Boxer puppies. The puppies will be no older than six months and no younger than four months. PPO must not spill the food and the puppies will not be held in any stay position.
PPO must quiet either four Shetland Sheepdogs, or six Pomeranians when the doorbell rings. PPO has two minutes and all dogs will be off lead. The dogs must have been handled previously by a breeder immune to the noise, and living in the middle of nowhere.
PPO must hold their ground with 10 Jack Russell Terriers chasing a animal that they see as prey. PPO must hold their leashes and not move more than 6 inches. No corrections will be issued, but PPO is welcome to try and distract them.
PPO Must hold their ground with 2 Great Danes on ice. They may not move more than 100 ft.
PPO Must play with a male Newfoundland after the dog has been swimming in a pond. They must attempt to dry themselves off with a tea towel. At no time, will the PPO react disgusted.
PPO Must leave two huskies alone with their home for 3 hours uncrated. The dogs will not be kept in a room where any posed danger to themselves
is prominent. PPO must not loose temper with the dogs. PPO may cry however.
PPO Must groom an adult male Collie blowing coat completely within 25 minutes. Eyes, Nails, Paws, Ears, Teeth and Coat. The dog will be recently bathed to give PPO a good chance.
PPO must be introduced into a pack of Beagles ready for a hunt, without cringing at the noise.
PPO must fit a Basenji into a weather protective coat within 5 minutes. The Basenji will have never been trained to wear protective
clothing before.
PPO must remove the thistles out of the coat of a American Cocker Spaniel. The coat will only be medium length, but all thistles will be removed by hand and a fine toothed comb.
PPO must exercise a Vizsla who has not received exercise for 2 days. PPO must not tire out before the dog.
PPO must sleep in the room with a Bulldog. If PPO does not get any sleep, they must appear cheerful and sunny.
PPO must clean the yard of a St. Bernard breeder within 10 minutes in a snowstorm and may not use any type of bag other than the common
supermarket shopping bag.
PPO will take a large breed to the vets after being neutered.
PPO will navigate through 10 small dogs without stepping on one.
PPO must pass an agility course.
PPO must secure a steady supply of used bags within 3 days.
PPO must be able to successfully get a dog to throw up in a bag while they are in the passenger seat of a car.
PPO must not die of shock when they have to cough up the veterinary fees to neuter an adult Mastiff.
PPO must not die of shock at the food bill of two growing Bullmastiffs.
PPO must sit in a closed room with at least two French bulldogs that have been fed broccoli and beans for dinner.
PPO Must live with two 5 month old active breed puppies and not go insane.
PPO must vow to love, train, care and nurture their dogs for the rest of the dog's life.
PPO must accept that each and every dog is an individual which needs to live in a pack.
PPO must vow to educate themselves about their breed of choice and the requirements expected.
The PPO must vow to purchase the puppy from a reputable rescue/shelter or breeder.
The PPO will also conduct themselves and their dogs in a responsible manner securing liberties for the rest of the dog loving community.
Furthermore the PPO must manage to keep good humored and remember that for every insane, tough, bad moment, there will always be a hundred more
good ones.
PPO must try to be the person their dog thinks they are.
This morning, I woke up and kissed my dad's head.
I peed on the carpet, then went back to bed.
"The life of a puppy, oh my, this is great."
Then I thought about breakfast," I hope it's not late."
Mom took me outside, we walked for a while.
This never fails to make Mama smile.
I sniffed of everything, that we did pass,
I ate something weird - it gave me gas.
I'm sure God loves me, I know that is true.
He gave me so many great things to chew.
Rugs, plants or rocks, I really don't care.
What I truly like best, is Dad's underwear.
That obedience book, was sort of yummy.
Though it didn't sit well on my poor puppy tummy.
I threw up a bit, but that was all right,
When Mom found it later, I was well out of sight.
I made streamers of T.P., while running at full speed.
Mom is pretty quick--but I was still in the lead.
I flew under the bed, and Mom flew past,
She stopped-shook her head, and breathed,
"You're too fast."
Mama later phoned Daddy, and said, "It was frightening!"
That afternoon, she was sure I'd pooped lighting.
She'd sat at the computer, while I chewed the cord,
She thought I was mad, but I was just bored.
When Mama had enough, couldn't take anymore,
That's when my tushy got shoved out the door.
I love it inside, but outside is best.
Lay in the cool grass, and had a good rest.
That didn't last long, there was too much to do--
Can't quite remember where I hid Daddy's shoe.
I found an old bone, and scratched at a flea,
I watched the dumb squirrels as they jumped in a tree.
I barked at the kids, when they got off the bus.
I can't figure out why this makes Mama fuss.
I barked at the neighbor, I barked at the wind.
I barked and barked, till Mom yelled, "COME IN."
The sun dipped in the west-soon Daddy would come!
I sure love my daddy: we always have fun.
I barked at my daddy, then turned on my charms,
I woo-wooed, "Hello," then jumped in his arms.
Sitting under the table - it's sooo hard to wait.
Daddy slipped me a goodie right off his plate.
I raced through the house, and scattered my toys,
Ricocheted off the furniture, and made lots of noise.
Mom found her purse - the one I abused.
Daddy let loose a chuckle. Mom asked "Amused??"
I cowered down low, I must be in trouble.
Dad said, "Wasn't MY boy, it must be his double!"
Mom turned off the TV, and said, "Time for bed."
Dad said "Let's go boy," and patted my head.
I got in my spot, between Mom and Dad,
I thought 'bout my day and what fun I had.
Mama kicked out my bone from the covers below,
Then let loose a sigh -- a sigh deep and low.
She gave me a kiss, and snuggled me tight,
And whispered so softly, 'My darling, goodnight."
-- Author Unknown
You know you're in a redneck agility club when....
1. Your cloth tunnel or club colors are camouflage.
2. Any equipment is still painted in primer, even after years of service.
3. Any equipment is constructed out of beer cans.
4. The handlers have more fleas than the dogs.
5. The judge will let you run your 6-month-old bitch, but only if someone holds her puppies.
6. Most of the dogs wear muzzles.
7. Some of the handlers should.
8. All of the dogs are inter-related in at least two ways, but there aren't any champion lines.
9. You shoot your own treats.
10. Your trials are sponsored by a brewing company.
11. You have traps on your course - literally.
12. Your club, in team events, runs "skins" for lack of a uniform - even the blokes.
13. Any obstacles involve fire or alligators.
14. The average per dog of (legs + eyes + ears) is less than six.
15. The starter's gun has killed someone.
16. Any of the prizes are/were alive.
17. Ditto the entry fees.
18. The head of the club's first champion is mounted above the clubhouse door.
19. Your club has a bar but no storage.
20. Bubba and Jessie are popular names for the handlers AND the dogs.
21. You have an impromptu "widest studded collar" competition and get entries from everyone on the ground.
22. Someone mentioned castration once, and three of the men needed reviving.
23. After you sing the National Anthem, everyone says "Gentlemen, start your engines."
24. Your club newsletter has a recipe for dog food that tastes delicious.
-- Author Unknown
Santa Paws Is Coming To Town
You'd better not bark,
You'd better not bite,
You'd better not scratch
The sofa tonight,
Santa Paws is coming to town...
You'd better not growl,
You'd better just purr,
You'd better not howl
Or shed lots a fur,
Santa Paws is coming to town...
He sees you in the kitchen,
He sees your every try
At secretively snitchin'
The very last piece of pie...
Oh, You'd better just know
The greeting he sends,
He's saying "Ho Ho"
To all his Best Friends,
Santa Paws is coming to town!
-- Author Unknown
A Dog Fancier's Guide To Shakespeare
"Double, double toil and trouble, Fire burn and cauldron bubble"
(Ringside gossip)
Me thought I heard a voice cry, "Sleep no more..."
(Bitch in season in same house with active stud)
"What fools these mortals be"
(They just bought their 3rd dog)
"Out, out damned spot!"
(They are housetraining the 3rd dog)
"What light through yonder window breaks?"
(Up all night whelping)
"Much ado about nothing"
(False pregnancy)
"Assume a virtue if you have it not"
(Be a good loser)
"Play such fantastic tricks before high heaven as make the angels weep"
(On seeing some odd judging-or clever handling)
"Small curs are not regarded when they grin"
(Unless they have a big-name handler)
"Nor let the rain of heaven wet this place"
(The prayer of all outdoor show chairs)
"He hath but a little wee face, with a little yellow beard"
(Cairn Terrier)
"Like a fountain with an hundred spouts"
(Male dog going for walk)
"A double blessing is a double grace"
(Best of Breed AND a group placement)
"I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in England"
(Sentiments of the inveterate dog-show enthusiast)
"Young gentlemen, your spirits are too bold for your years"
(class of terrier puppies)
"Your father is at Westminster"
(But your mother wasn't show-quality)
"And I do wish your honours may increase"
(Best-in-show next time!)
-- Author Unknown