Dog Poems & Prose,
Humorous #5
Holiday Etiquette For Dogs
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
- don't pee on the tree
- don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
- mind your tail when you are near the tree
- if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
- don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
- not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
- don't eat off the buffet table
- beg for goodies subtly
- be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
- don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
- observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
- respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
- tolerate children
- turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
DON'T BITE HIM!!
-- Author Unknown
Hound Dog Zen: Bubba and Bogie's Recipe for a Happy Life
1. Smell it before you fool with it! Being the magnificent "scent dogs" that we are (second only to the noble bloodhound), we have learned to smell everyone and everything before we interact with it. We check it out to see if it's kosher. We are not telling you to be untrusting. We are reminding you that you too have a sense of "smell" that helps you determine the true nature of the people, places and things that show up in your life. Trust yourself. Use your senses. Things are not always what they seem on the surface. Sniff about. Sniff around. We do. It works.
2. Give and receive affection enthusiastically! We have been trying to teach this to humans since you guys were living in caves. When will you let down your defenses and trust us? Affection is a good thing. Affection makes the world go round. Why do you think you have always called us "Man's best friend?" (Women's too). We know you are a bit handicapped -- you don't have tails to wag. But you can smile and hug. You can speak a language that is far more complex than ours. You can describe your affection and appreciation in infinite detail. What are you waiting for?
Try this. Imitate us for a few days. Give everybody you meet a big hug and a kiss (a wet one). Be happy to see everyone, no matter who they are or what they have done. Be friendly and wag your psychic tail. You will enjoy yourself. What could it hurt?
3. Accept your body and enjoy it! Our student Matthew told us that this column was for people who are very interested in their bodies. We think that's good. Bodies are wonderful. We love ours.
Here's the thing. We have bodies that seem strange to a lot of people. Our ears are longer than our legs. Our paws are as large as a St. Bernard's. We run slowly and sit funny. But people love us. We are so popular that we do more commercials than all our canine friends put together. We aren't bragging here -- we are trying to teach you a lesson.
Why are we so loved if we are so "deformed?" Because we love our bodies. We love every inch of ourselves. We have no reservations about being who we are. We are naturally ourselves. Would you love us so much if we went to a plastic surgeon and had our ears done? Should we attempt to alter the size of our paws? We don't think so.
Listen, we know you are human. You look very different from us, but we think you look great just the way you are. You are lovable, just the way you are. We would be happy to sniff you, lick you, put our heads in your lap and give you our special doggy kisses anytime.
-- Author Unknown
How to Tell the Weather
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
- If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
- But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
- If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
- If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The Cat
-- Author Unknown
You are REALLY into dogs if...
- You own more leashes than belts.
- You can't understand why heads snap around at work when you discuss your bitch.
- All your clothes have plastic bags in the pockets.
- Your dogs have more -- and better! -- toys than you do.
- You think it's completely normal to discuss your dog's stools at the dinner table.
- You select a new vehicle solely on its suitability for carrying your dogs and their gear.
- Your mattress is old enough to vote, but your dogs get brand-new beds every Christmas.
- You watch "Letterman" only on Stupid Pet Trick night.
- You have no photos of your spouse in your wallet -- just the dogs.
- Your dog's shampoo: $18.00 a bottle, plus $5.00 for second-day air shipment. Your shampoo: Whatever's on sale.
- You never bother to wash you hands after petting the dog even before eating.
- You expect to find a little dog hair in each meal and think of it as "added fiber."
- You wake up instantly when your dog whines, but never wake up when someone calls your name or your alarm goes off.
- You will rush your dog to the vet at the smallest injury or cough, but wait to take yourself to the doctor until it is really severe.
- You are willing to get up and walk the puppy at any time of night with a cheerful "good dog," but grumble and complain when someone calls you in the middle of the night.
- You know peoples' dogs' names before you know theirs. And when you talk about someone it goes like this: "You know the person that owns the sable GSD really got some good advice from the person with the corgi..."
- Your entire wardrobe is covered in dog hair. You still find dog hair even when you have been away from dogs for months.
- You notice the breed of someone's dog, but don't even notice if the person who had the dog was male or female.
- New puppies cause "Oh, isn't he so cute. He sure has grown recently. How adorable!" but human children only get "What a cute new puppy in the family."
- You talk to people in short phrases: "Billy come," "Joe Sit." "Watch me," "good boy!"
- When someone does something that pleases you are inclined to reach in your pocket for a piece of food as a reward.
- You feel the urge to put slip chains on people when they misbehave.
- You ask old friends about their dogs before you ask about the family.
- You send out Christmas pictures of the dog, not the family.
- When you are away from home you call to ask about the dog.
- You ask pregnant women when they are due to whelp.
- When you are talking you have the urge to spell out cue words that your dog reacts to like "W_A_L_K" and "O_U_T" whenever they are used in a sentence, even if the dog is not around.
- You open all doors cautiously to make sure the dog doesn't run out, even when visiting people who have no dogs.
- Dog related activities dictate your weekends and evenings.
- You own more dog training videos than all other videos combined.
- You own more dog training books than all other books combined.
- Your dog's brushes and combs sit next to your own.
- Your dog has a wardrobe as large as your own.
- You have more pictures of your dogs on the walls of your house than of your human family, or the dog is included in all family photos.
- You greet your dogs before you greet the rest of the family when you have been gone.
- Your dog's food costs more in one month than your own.
- You celebrate your dog's birthday by giving your dog presents and cake and have their "friends" come over for a party.
- Your dog receives a stocking at Christmas.
- Your favorite stores to go to are pet stores, because your dog is welcome to come in.
- You hate people that beg, because they just can't get that innocent look like your dog.
- Your dog has more toys than your children.
- Your phone bill is full of calls to your dog's groomer, breeder, trainer, show handler, hotel reservations for dog shows, dog show friends, other dog people, etc.
- Every conversation you have tends to turn to the topic of dogs.
- If you had a choice between living with your spouse and your dog, you would choose the dog.
- You spend more time at work reading dog related e-mail than you do actually working.
- The initials DHLP, AKC, CHD, PRA, CERF, ARBA, BOB, BIS, BOS, BOV, CD, CDX, OTCH, EDX, JH, MH, LCX, etc. are common abbreviations in your vocabulary.
- You can recognize more than 100 breeds of dogs on sight.
- Westminster Dog Show on TV takes all precedence over any other program during the dates it is on.
- You are subscribed to two or more dog related magazines and eagerly await their arrival.
- You feel the urge to neuter or spay anyone who mistreats their dogs, or allows their dogs to run loose, or who doesn't spay/neuter their dogs.
Scoring: (Give yourself one point for each "yes" answer.)
0-5: Get rid of your dog, you really must not enjoy them much.
6-15: You are amused by your dog.
16-25: You really enjoy the company of dogs.
26-35: You are hooked on dogs.
36-45: You are beginning to resemble your dog.
46-50: Your dog lives a better life than you do.
-- Author Unknown
K-9 Rescue Barbie
This Christmas season, give the latest, hottest new Barbie. It's the K-9 Rescue Barbie. She comes with her own Ford Aerostar minivan, with various size dog crates inside. She has a cell phone that's just barely working due to over use and underpayment. Barbie herself is decked out in jeans, grungy athletic shoes, and a t-shirt that says "Dogs are better than any other living thing on earth". She also comes with a road atlas of every town and state in all of North America, and a compass on the dashboard of the van.
She also has a map of every McDonald's in the world. Optional is the special Rescue Dog Barbie laptop computer with the names and addies of every other dog rescue person on earth, in case she gets somewhere and a contact fails to show up. Running buddy, "Lucky", the three-legged, blind Shih Tzu doll is available for an additional $49.95. For $89.95, you can complete the set with "Pissed-off-husband-at-home Ken", and the various foster dogs at $20 each.
Prices for accessories are:
a. Fake snow falling on Barbie's van: $12.95
b. Flat tire for Barbie's van: (see Barbie's Road Service")
c. Barbie's First Aid Kit: (human): $11.75, (canine): $69.50
d. Barbie's Speeding Ticket: $95 (Mississippi--$195)
e. Barbie's coat-that-she-had-to-buy-in-Minnesota: $85
f. Barbie's Vet Bill for Lucky in Vaughn, NM: $63.45
g. Barbie's contact, Rhonda, who she had to give gas money to in Mesa Verde,
TX.: $20.
h. Barbie's bill to get her contact, Luis, out of jail in Bakersfield, CA.,:
$500.
i. Barbie's bill to get Luis's dogs out of the pound in Bakersfield, CA.: $265.
j. Barbie's hotel/kennel bill in Laughlin, NV, while she waits for her contact:
$532.
k. Barbie's overalls that she has to buy while in Minden, NE hunting down lost
coonhounds: $49.95
l. Pizza for Barbie's suspicious looking hitch-hiker with sick puppy: $15
m. Vet bill for hitch-hikers sick puppy in Des Moines, IO: $143.29
n. Barbie's doggie wheelchair for "Klause" the rescue dachshund in
Leavenworth, KS.: $143.
o. And Barbie's van detailing/fumigation from hauling parvo/kennel cough
puppies: $187.
p. Barbie's new resume to get new job when she gets home from run: $29.95
-- Author Unknown
Is Martha Stewart Stalking Your Dog?
10 top ways to tell if Martha Stewart is stalking your dog...
10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.
9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.
6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.
5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie
cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material
for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's
crate.
2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool
hand knitted sweater with matching boots.
1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.
-- Author Unknown