Dog Poems & Prose,
Humorous #4
The Dog Virus
This virus is no joke. It is progressive and dangerous. It will begin with one cute
puppy...usually for companionship.
You will not realize that you have been infected even when you begin trying to convince your family that foraging for food is more rewarding than buying groceries.
You may not recognize the symptoms, even when 90% of snail mail consists of pet catalogs
and show entries, and "sick days" have all been used to visit every dog show within 600 miles.
By the time the virus has taken firm hold, you will have reduced your yard to a safe area that can be enjoyed by your dogs.
You will be trying to sell the kids' swing set to pay for the latest dog toy.
Your computer will threaten to crash because of the huge amounts of dog web sites, nutrition sites, programs, breed lists, rescue lists, advice lists, dog images, and canine health
.html bookmarks that have filled all available space. You will "borrow" from your child's college
fund to add more memory.
This virus will take over every room of your house in the form of flyers, catalogs, premium lists, dog toys, dog beds, crates, dog food, and dog treats.
You will begin to avoid anyone who doesn't have a dog and try to convert anyone who doesn't know your breed.
Your family will not recognize you unless you're covered with dog hair.
You will seriously consider a second mortgage to take advantage of dog toy sales, or, even worse, dog show entries.
Depression will set in immediately after the last dog show of the season. Your own dog will worry about you.
There is no cure. But, thankfully, there are groups where you can talk to others that have been infected and who will understand you.
With luck they'll also know of a really good sale on dog food and supplements.
-- Author Unknown
Dogaholics Anonymous
Good Afternoon. I AM a dogaholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of "Dogaholics Anonymous." Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you here. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and that you really don't need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a dogaholic, and it is even harder to bring yourself to a DA meeting for help.
DA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask. If you answer
YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place:
Can you say "Bitch" in public without blushing?
Do you drive a station wagon, van or 4x4 when everyone else drives a real car?
Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the dogs?
Do you spend your vacations and holidays going to shows, specialties and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?
If you do go overseas, is it to London in March to attend Crufts? (or Finland in June to attend the World Dog
Show?)
Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly washed tennis shoes?
Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?
Was your furniture and carpeting chosen to match your dogs?
Are your end tables really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?
Do you know the meaning of CD, CDX, UD, CGC, HIT, WC, JH, MH, CH, BIS, AD, AX, TD, TDX and
OTCH?
Is your mail primarily dog catalogs, dog magazines, and premium lists?
Do you get up before dawn to go to Training Classes, Dog Shows, Seminars? (but have trouble getting up for
"work?")
If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets?
Do those pockets often contain freeze dried liver, Rollover or squeaky toys?
When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of dog they have and pity them if they don't have one?
Do you remember the name of their dog sooner than you remember their name?
Do you find non-dog people boring?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope.
If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble.
If you answered YES to three or more, you have come to the right place.
My advice to all of you with three or more YESes is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you, and know that
your life will always be filled with good friends and good dogs and it will never be boring.
-- Author Unknown
Why Dogs Don't Use Computers
20) Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17) Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.
16) Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11) Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10) Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8) 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6) SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, CUT and PASTE are out of the question!
4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1) TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS.
Translation: It's mighty tough to type with paws:)
-- Author Unknown
Service with a Smile
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said:
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes or silverware, or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
-- Karl Alabrecht and Ron Zenke, Service America, from Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul, Copyright 1996, by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen
and Patty Hansen
Things Dogs Must Try To Remember...
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
-- Author Unknown