Dog Poems & Prose,
Humorous #3
Dog Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
-- Author Unknown
Dog-Related Barbies
HERDING BARBIE: This very popular Barbie comes with her very own authentic
drover coat, Stetson cowboy hat, several pair of cowboy boots, waterproof boots for very inclement weather, silk long johns, wool socks, and an
monogrammed staff. Much like Tracking Judge Barbie, this version of Barbie has perpetual "bad hair", so be prepared to leave the cowboy hat
on at all times. Also included is her very own monogrammed stretcher so that she can be carried out of the arena when the sheep run over her.
Barbie comes with her own Sheltie, "Round 'em Up's Chaser HI", or "Yapper". "Yapper" comes with her own gold-plated chain so that she can be hooked up to the barbed wire fence with all the Cattle Dogs and Border Collies (barbed wire fence not included). Barbie also comes with several sheep, cows, and
ducks, making her one of the more expensive Barbies.
AGILITY BARBIE: Unlike most slim, attractive versions of Barbie, this Barbie is quite muscular from hauling very heavy
A-frames, teeter-totters, and dog walks. She can carry an A-frame panel with one arm and set up all
of the contact obstacles single-handedly. Barbie comes complete with a full set of agility equipment, lawn chair, cooler, stopwatch, battery-operated
fans, an open-sided tent for shade, sunscreen, bug spray, rain suit, waterproof boots, 57 different agility rule books for all occasions,
and her very own courier (Ken) who can hand deliver agility entries to the most popular trials and stand in line for Barbie. Ken also helps set up
the equipment. Barbie also comes with her own agility dog, Border Collie
"U-AtchRunaround's Speed Demon AX, AXJ, etc., etc., etc., BFD", or "Contact".
Trailer for hauling agility equipment sold separately.
OBEDIENCE BARBIE: Barbie comes with a training bag full of gear, a set of utility articles, a full set of regulation obedience jumps, her own lawn
chair, cooler, a subscription to Front and Finish, and her very own obedience Golden Retriever "OTCh Sparklepond's Shorestepper's Heelalong
Fool" better known as "Two-hundred". Accessories such as HIT ribbons and high scoring club plaques can be purchased separately.
TRACKING JUDGE BARBIE: Barbie comes with a Polartec snowsuit, Gore-Tex rain
gear and boots, wool socks, leather tracking gloves, silk long underwear, sunscreen, bug spray, a baseball cap, a waterproof clipboard,
mylar paper and space pens in three colors. She also comes with whistles in two different colors to match the snowsuit and rain gear, a
complete set of tracking flags, a compass, and a set of 12 different tracking articles.
Unlike most Barbies, this Barbie always has a "bad hair day" so it's best to leave a hood or the baseball cap over her hair at all times.
Included in the deluxe version is Barbie's tracking dog "Pokealong's Can't Find Squat TD", or "Sniffer", a Siberian Husky who comes with his own
harness and rope as well as a lifetime supply of hot dogs. Sniffer has been known to eat start articles with one gulp and turn the start flag into
a large toy at TDX tests, grabbing it in his mouth and running in large circles around the field (especially when there is a large audience
watching). This version also comes with a case of Valium for Tracking Judge Barbie for
this very reason. This is the most expensive Barbie and most collectors prefer to leave her in the original box.
EARTHDOG BARBIE: Barbie comes with her very own monogrammed shovel, a custom-built liner for training, and a cage with three live rats. Also
included are several pair of jeans, flannel shirts, t-shirts, rain gear, sunscreen, bug spray, and waterproof boots. Barbie comes with several
small terriers (you choose the breed) and two first aid kits (one for the dogs when they get in fights, and one for Barbie when she gets her hand in
the way) as well as a .38 revolver for emergencies (don't ask). This version of Barbie can be removed from the box but some collectors prefer to
leave the terriers in the original box.
And last, but not least, the most popular one of all is the DOG CLUB PRESIDENT
BARBIE, who comes with TWO cases of Miss Clairol hair color (to color her own gray hair), a monogrammed strait jacket, a leather-bound
copy of Robert's Rules of Order, and a gold-plated gavel. The gavel unscrews at the end and is secretly a .357 magnum which can be used to keep
unruly club members under control or just get rid of them all together!
Four-wheel-drive sport utility vehicles and minivans complete with dog crates are sold separately for all versions of Barbie.
The only one missing? Flyball Barbie!! Coming this Christmas!
-- Author Unknown
Dog Rules
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. OK. the dog is allowed in the house but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. OK, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the cover by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
-- Author Unknown
Life Lessons Learned From A Dog
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
-- Author Unknown
How Dogs are Like Men
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
-- Author Unknown
How Dogs are Better Than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Dogs look at your eyes.
Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
You can force a dog to take a bath.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
Dogs are good with kids.
Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
Dogs do not read at the table.
Dogs don't correct your stories.
Dogs admit it when they are lost.
Dogs like your size.
Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
You can house-train a dog.
-- Author Unknown
How Dogs are Better Than Women
A dog's parents will never visit you.
A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
A dog never expects you to telephone.
A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
A dog does not shop.
Diamonds aren't a dog's best friend.
Dogs already come equipped with a fur coat.
Dogs don't look like "Atilla The Hun" when they're not wearing makeup.
Dogs fully understand who their masters are.
Dogs don't nag at you to mow the yard during halftime.
Don't don't complain when they have puppies.
Dog's don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs think you sing great.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
Dogs understand that instinct is better than asking for directions.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never lobby for foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
-- Author Unknown
How Dogs are Like Women
Both usually look stupid in hats.
Both tend to have problems with their hips.
Neither realizes that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
They both overvalue kissing.
-- Author Unknown